Alternate Reality TV
|In a Victorian Drawing Room
|a seated fish
|is drinking coffee with
|A chocolate lamp post
|Among the twisting maze of pipes in the basement of a gasworks
|a well dressed little boy
|is aiming a revolver at
|a bit of lemon peel
|as a chill breeze blows.
|On a 3 masted Tall ship
|The Frankenstein Monster
|is demonstrating coin tricks for
|a portrait of Churchill
|in a pouring rain.
|In a corridor within a lunar base
|a very intelligent iguana
|is dealing a hand of blackjack to
|the first emperor in Chinese history
|on the hottest day of the year.
|In a jungle clearing
|is throwing a dirty diaper at
|a live koala glued to the back wall of a pizza parlor
|in the darkness of a foggy night.
|In a microscopic hollow, inside a brick
|is polishing a pile of bowling balls with the help of
|a rhino in a tuxedo
|on a beautiful spring morning.
|Under a shaky concrete bridge
|is cooking chicken over a fire in order to feed
|a cupboard full of dirty dishes
|during the tremors of a mild earthquake.
|On the roof of the whitehouse
|an animated and intelligent snowshoe
|is arguing fiercely with
|a rubber replica of a cocoanut
|as a tornado approaches.
|In a pressurized dome on the Ocean floor
|A tall, brunette fashion model wearing a jogging suit
|claps two chalkboard erasers over the top of
|an airline serving cart
|as the humidity rises.
|In a spacious treehouse
|the greatest swordsman on Earth
|is getting a haircut from
|the god Zeus
|at the height of a blizzard.
|On the open prairie
|a ninja on stilts
|is watching a comedy on television with
|as the sun goes down.
|In the glove compartment of a Rolls-Royce
|the Surgeon General
|is ripping up a pamphlet and throwing the pieces at
|during a violent a hailstorm.
|On the top of a giant turtle
|waves a flag with a smiley face at
|identical twin dwarf warriors
|in a high wind.
|Inside a giant, hollow, plastic pink flamingo
|the bishop of Westminster
|is stomping on mechanical beetles so that they can't get to
|a classic 1920's "flapper" girl
|in the murky morning light.
|In a neighborhood coffee shop
|a sparkling, talking cloud
|is telling bad jokes and riddles without answers to
|an alligator standing on its hind legs, wearing a monocle and waistcoat
|as fireballs fall randomly from the sky.
|In a vast abandoned movie theatre
|a lizardman who looks like Yogi Bear
|plays angelic music on a glass harp for
|as the locust swarm approaches.
|In a vast sub-terainean cavern
|a beautiful Drow bootmaker
|poses for a portrait being painted by
|and every sound echoes.
|On the surface of a mile-square mirror
|the Maytag repairman
|is cutting out paper snowflakes and handing them to
|as the light keeps flickering.
|On the Roof of a SanFrancisco cable car
|Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
|is juggling torches with
|and stomping the swarm of red ants that have arrived.
|While climbing up the down escalator
|is balancing 2 bowls of ice water on
|the Mayor of Cleveland
|but time is speeding up.
a vinyl pool covering in Patterson NJ
the benefits of term life insurance to
werewolf with a hoolahoop
a lava flow rapidly approaching.
the salad bar of a rooftop restaurant
hot mud onto a playing card and hands it to
a dynamite siren blares nearby.
through the rubble of the Stardust Casino
to impersonate a giant spider, but does not impress
Hugo in a cardboard barrel
the air is getting choked with soot.
at the top of an Incan temple
Russian bus driver with the flu
a rubber swordfish against his/her/it's own back, highly distressing
guy from "Trading Places" who was sooo interested. in the "nice purse"
it's believed everything yellow is about to disappear.
a very large sled speeding down the side of a snow covered mountain
30 year old wadded up cotton rag soaked with kitchen grease that has
suddenly become "self
first person Leonardo DaVinci ever accidentally bumped into
a shower of tinfoil strips materializes out of thin air.
the orchard where the actual grapefruit grew that was used so
rudely by James Gagney
Chicago hot dog vendor
elephant noises as if his/her/its life depended on it in order to
the Robot who is performing jumping larriet rope tricks
they can't hear themselves think because of the 10 thousand tubas
the haunted basement of an abandoned penetentiary
winner of the all USA spelling Bee competition
those little red roll cap-gun caps with a hammer because the smell
first human being to bungee jump
two little red sniper dots of laser light appear on both of them.
the surface of an Alka Seltzer Tablet descending toward a mug of
Ricardo, sporting a fresh black eye and wearing an evening gown
to force lumps of cold sauerkraut into a hollow magic 8-Ball so
he/she/it can give it to
original guy who hung from the hardhat in the first superglue commercial
the swarm of driverless "big wheels" heading their way.
the lobby of New Swann Castle
in that big Koolaid pitcher costume
out a wooden switchblade and tries to scare
Hoffman, who won't get off his cell phone
their bones become glass without them knowing it.
within the carnival's house of mirrors
|is stirring microchips into a bowl of kasha and is about to serve it to
|Smokey the Bear, presently trapped in a sensory deprivation tank
every surface around them seems to be spontaneously growing its own
on a television screen mounted to the wall of an elevator shaft
hundreds of umbrellas, one after another while staring accusingly at
guy who completely made up the George Washington Cherry Tree - hatchet
the smell of banana peels halts all activity.
the Pennsylvania Turnpike, just a few yards north of exit 36b
industrial robot arm with a Halloween mask of Nixon on the end of
to make a "silly string" bridge over the top of
who is tightly gripping his coloring book collection
failure is pre-determined, as is the outbreak of loose hermit crabs on
the main branch of Barnes and Noble in Manhattan
member of the MardiGra clean-up crew wearing a kevlar business suit
a transcript of "The adventures of the Blue Beetle" to
Longstocking, who refuses to stop saying "pull my finger" as she grins
the nerve gas recently flooding the area.
one of the women's bathrooms at Linden Labs
poor guy dressed as a bellhop that spent his entire life screaming
"Call for Phillip Morris!"
drawing a skull and crossed bones with a felt tipped laundry marker on
Great Dane wearing a sandwich board that reads VICTORY!
a torrent of lavender paint rains down from above.
that giant, wierd useless cage in Gadgetzan
balloon sculpture that looks exactly like Judy from Lost in Space
with a bucket of Goblin Pee threatening to pour it on
ghost of Captain Kangaroo
the air is becoming as thick as mollasses.
the sidewalk in front of the Tick-Tock Diner in manhattan
Iron Giant Robot
putting on a pair of rollerblades, and getting ready to go skating with
Lady of Chalot who is wearing a bike helmet and carrying a wet, black
everywhere they stand feels like crumbling bags of fortune cookies.
the very top of that long slanty ledge of desert rock where they filmed
nearly all of the
outdoor Classic Star Trek episodes
Staypuffed Marshmallow man
beating out a rhythm on the tight skin of a tribal drum attempting to
evoke a fit of primitive
B. Demille who is trying to play "Fanfare for the Common Man" on the
the international dateline solidifies and breaks free, sweeping across
the planet, like the
edge of a curved razor blade scraping over a peach.
the planet Ceti Alpha 3
with his eyes closed
throwing fragile knick knacks straight up into the air and hoping that
they don't land on his head or the head of
nearby wobbling inflated punching clown
the local gravity is double what it should be.
the putrid dumpster behind a convenience store in Blithold, New mexico
French plasterer with too much coffee in him
to pull the arms off of
an unseen stranger hums "Oh, Holy Night".
the world ice-sculpture competitions
very first human being who ever danced
stacks of AOL discs, creates a wall around
|Abbot and Costello with their mouths taped shut
the drizzle of Real Lemon