100 Random Magic Shop Items
The Killer Cane of Garlic Pressing -
A one-use wooden cane of slow brutal slaughter! Carry or use the cane normally for as long as you own it. But . . . Break it over the head of an enemy creature and a massive garlic press will appear above your victim. They will then become stuffed into the cylinder of the press and get squeezed through the holes. Weapons, Armor and Large items will be destroyed, but coins, gems and magic items will remain unharmed mixed in among the stringy globs of gory goo. The giant garlic press will disappear when the grotesque work is done.
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100 Random Magic Items - Put them in a Shoppe or make them quest rewards.
1 The Aroma Weave Cape of "Cheery" Cherry Maple -
When worn, this cape will exude the very pleasant aroma of a fine pipe tobacco shop.
The strong scent will be detectable by all creatures within a 10 foot radius.
2 The Talking Gourmet Spoon of Infi-nit-picking -
This Finely crafted Steel Spoon has delicate filigree engraving along the handle and is remarkably durable and easy to clean.
When used to eat ANY consumable, it will make each bite taste absolutely
delectable! Even the poorest cook's efforts will be transformed by this spoon into culinary perfection whether it be stew, porridge or hash.
This enchantment DOES come at a price. The spoon will engage in
nagging at the owner while it is being used to eat.
Posture, clothing, diet, hair care, equipment maintenance, relationships, simple interactions with strangers, the nearby surroundings. . .
ALL will be targets of severe criticism and unwelcome judgments.
This tirade of negativity will be audible to every sentient creature within 5 feet of the lucky diner. Bon Appetite !
3 Mellowman's Mace of Moon Weight -
The wielder of this weapon will experience moon gravity. Any objects within five feet of the wielder will also have 1/3rd
weight if moved or lifted by the Mace holder. Lasts from one to six hours.
4 The Droll Scroll of Elastico -
One-Use spell scroll. When the target of this spell attempts to wield, use or grip an object weighing more than one pound... his/her arm will stretch like rubber to the ground until the item is
released. Lasts from one to six minutes.
5 Celia's Citrus Circlet of Sadness -
A beautiful, but woefully curs'ed, delicate head band made of platinum. When first worn, it will inflict 463 paper cuts on the poor new owner, distributed evenly all over its body.
A decoratively carved, five gallon wooden bucket
will appear overhead and douse the creature with freshly squeezed lemon juice. The bucket will disappear when emptied.
If the circlet wearer is non-corporeal or a construct, it will just get wet and smell
like lemons for a while. This painful procedure will repeat once per day.
6 The Dreaded Dog Doppelganger Doublet -
Once per day, in a clear spot somewhere within a radius of 100 feet of the new owner, a physical duplicate of that person suddenly appears. This duplicate wears no clothing and possesses no weapons or equipment.
It is animated and occupied by the departed spirit of a random canine. This dog-driven duplicate will cavort about from one to six minutes until it is transported to another plane.
7 Scroll of the Victorious Orchard -
One-Use spell scroll. The target will become a tree trunk from the waist down, taking root in the ground or floor. A flying individual will descend rapidly to the nearest root able surface. Next,
the target's fingertips will grow fully formed pears that are shaped exactly like their most recently slain enemy. The Pears drop and remain. The spell will dissipate instantly after one to twelve minutes.
8 Aggyulon's Aquatic Ascot -
When worn, the owner will have the ability to 'Swim' in mid-air. This fashionable accessory allows the wearer to breathe normally, but they will find that thin air is now thick as water.
An additional bonus allows a 'swim' altitude as high as sixty feet. On the minus side... when the effect wears off, if the creature is 'treading water' up high in the air, they will plummet.
The Ability Lasts 1d20 minutes.
9 Scroll of Hat Stealing -
One-Use spell scroll. The organic, physical body of the spell target experiences normal gravity. All Weapons, Armor, clothing, worn pouches, loose items etc. are suddenly subject to
reverse gravity. Any item that is not securely attached to the target, or in a loose open pocket, will fall UP 60 feet outdoors or rest against a ceiling. The effect lasts 1d4 minutes.
When the magic fades, items that fell UP will plummet back down.
10 The Curs'ed Nose Flute of Smallenating -
Any creature who plays this flute will experience immediate shrinkage. The flute, the creature, clothing, weapons and all equipment are shrunk down. Character is now 8.34 inches tall.
Weight is reduced proportionally. Lasts 1d4 hours.
11 The Trap-Lock 2100 -
This otherwise normal door lock sucks in and TRAPS any clever thief who tries to pick it.
The unfortunate criminal who attempts to disable this Top Notch security measure will be miniaturized and drawn into the keyhole. Next, the crook will be transported to a room
with a small cot, four water skins, a chamber pot and a large sign on one wall, written in common. It reads: WELCOME! YOU ARE NOW THE GUEST OF
( insert owner's name here ). MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE AND AWAIT YOUR RELEASE INTO THE HANDS OF THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES. "Trap Lock - It Sucks!"
12 Bladely and Scrum's Scream Bang Spider Puppet! -
Create a distraction anywhere when you need it most!
This ingenious clockwork device has the head of a lobster, the thorax of a yellow sponge and 12 stomping spider legs, each with its own noisemaker on the very end.
Wind the spring, and toss the gizmo as far as you can. Watch it unfold as it flies. Then, stand by for a wildly loud array of squeaks, pops,
clangs and shrieks that should draw the attention of any nearby creature for hundreds of feet! Lasts up to 30 seconds.
It can be used again and again if recovered intact.
13 The Super Spy Quantum Quills -
A pair of 100% Identical, but mirror opposite Quill pens.
These normal looking quality quills are entangled with a special enchantment. When one quill is picked up and used to write,
the other moves of its own magical power and writes ALL that the other quill writes in complete reverse!
This amazing effect will take place no matter how far apart the quills are separated.
The set includes 2 packets of parchment, 2 inkwells and the 2 magic spooky action Quills!
Give one stationary set away as a gift. Keep the other and follow the scribblings of your friend or enemy! (Mirror not included.)
14 The One-Way Tent of Watch Keeping -
From the outside, this sturdy and well-crafted wilderness tent looks like any other adventurer's camping shelter. From the inside, it looks like nothing.
One-way visibility, as clear as if there were no tent at all, is activated when the tent is correctly pitched and the flap is closed. No dangerous enemy can creep up unseen!(NOTE: Visibility from inside the tent CAN be slightly obscured in a heavy rain.)
15 The Sack of Stuffing Survival Stone -
A one-use rock that will hiss out a continuous supply of breathable air if activated inside a sack of stuffing. Need more than ten minutes to hide or be carried along unseen? This is your Rock Solid Solution!
16 Starlight Ceiling Sap -
A Single use herbal nugget of rubber plant and tree sap. Chew it for 1 minute. Stick it to the ceiling. In place of a dark ceiling, you will enjoy eight hours of a beautiful starlit night sky.
(Note: Works only indoors in a dark room. If not pulled OFF of the ceiling when the magic dissipates, it will attract ants.)
17 Jennifer Jiggulo's Jiffy Jump Jewelry -
Speak the incantation and this exquisite set of bracelets, matching necklace and earrings will leap from your jewelry box. The glittering stones and delicate gold settings will float swiftly through
the air and adorn the wearer, each piece exactly where it belongs. Uttering the magic word again and the set will detach and float slowly back to where it belongs.
18 The Curs'ed Bracers of Sir Bink Baddubbington -
When worn, these bracers will cause all visible mouth movement and hand gestures to be delayed half-a-second after a creature's audible words. The words will all be there, but the mouth and facial expressions
will not match up to what is being heard. Not terribly dangerous, but slightly off-putting to the casual observer.
19 Coin of the Classic Carver -
This large gold coin will transform itself permanently into a perfect small golden statue of any creature. "Spend" the coin by placing it on top of the model's head.
A five inch tall, golden figurine replica of the lucky model will form itself over the course of 30 seconds. The statue is finely detailed, permanantly real in this plane
and would make the perfect gift.
20 Sword of the Hideous Bug Head -
The wielder of this curs'ed blade will appear to all others with the head of a grasshopper. The illusion is sickeningly detailed. No actual physical change happens, but above the neck, the sword swinger will be seen as having a fully enlarged grasshopper head right down to the grotesque mandibles and antennae. VERY disturbing when witnessed up close. The illusion fades when the sword is sheathed
21 Bard-In-A-Boot! -
Enchanted foot wear that holds every favorite song of the wearer. Remove either boot and place the aglets in your ears. You will hear a talented songmaster sing your favorite drinking songs, bawdy tunes and slow ballads. The singer and any accompanying instruments will sound as if they were right inside your head! No one else will hear the music, so it is best not to move about in public while using them.
(You may be struck down and carted off to an asylum in some cultures.)
22 The Flush'em Out Staff of Terror Walls -
A Magic Wielder's NUMBER ONE tool for impressing the party. Direct the wicked beam of arcanum from this powerful item at any structure not built by nature. Whether it is a humble home or a mighty castle, a terrifying five-minute curse will sweep over the entire structure. Every wall of every room in the shack or building will suddenly peal open at the middle forming a vicious, massive mouth. Lined at the top and bottom with deadly looking pin-pointed fangs, every one of these frightening mouths will then scream as loud as a giant: "Get Out! Get Out! Leave this place NOW!!" Repeating the phrase endlessly. Every shout from every wall will change in pitch, urgency, inflection and volume, causing an unbearable cacophony of nerve rattling panic! Those who endure it and remain inside the house or stronghold will be of strong nerve indeed! Those who flee will run right into the waiting attack of your group if ambush is the goal. Many purposes for this expensive item. May be used once every forty days.
23 The Baroness Becky Ball of Yarn Bomb -
It looks like an innocent ball of grey knitting yarn. Set it down inside a castle or house, activate it with a secret incantation and leave as soon as possible! Over the next five minutes, every wall and floor of the ediface
will transform into grey, sweater-thin fabric. Watch (from outside) as the entire mansion or castle transforms into wool. The structure will collapses slowly into a MASSIVE lumpy pile of cloth leaving furniture, paintings, chests, magic items and ANY sentient beings untouched, but buried in the tangled mess.
Suffocation of living beings is very likely if they fail to escape. There may be struggling lumps of enemies that may try to emerge after cutting and slashing at layers and layers of a knitted nightmare that USED to be their home or stronghold! Once dispatched, and time permitting, your party may spend a few hours cutting away the woven miasma of wrinkled knitting in order to retrieve items of value.
24 Abnar's Air Skin Stop Bottle -
It is the single best universal container for acids, glues or anything that must not come in contact with glass, metal, wood or leather. Enchanted with a powerful spell that places a hair-thin layer of air between the inside surface of the bottle and whatever you collect into it.
25 Muriel's Midnight Micro Mirror -
A self-sizing pinkie ring with a simple hematite oval in a plain setting. When dropped to the floor or on the ground, it will expand in mere seconds to a wall-sized, perfectly flat glass mirror.It remains so until kicked, whereupon it will shatter into a thousand pieces that become small as sand and converge back into its original shape.
26 The Family Crest of Perfect Manicures -
A golden headband with the crest of the Disolzo family. When worn, both hands and both feet become perfectly manicured and pedicured.
27 Vizier Plumpoozer's Stink Bomb of the Ages -
This acorn-sized simple looking stone will curse a Castle, Inn, Mansion or Acre of land with a stench worse than a panicked skunk swimming in a sack of soiled diapers. Drop the stone and whisper "Twenty Twenty". The stone will disappear forever but a 60-year stink will remain throughout the structure you are standing in or a one acre area around you if you are outdoors.
28 The Dread Scepter of the Bismuth Buttocks -
All creatures tapped with this ornate, glittering golden scepter will be transformed into metal automaton replicas of themselves. Thought processes become emotionless, observation driven and linear. Vocal interjections and responses from every victim will reflect the change. Full awareness of the transformation is in place after the transformation. One positive side effect is immunity to psychic damage while the condition lasts. Lasts 6 days.
29 The Brutal Bracers of Mind Display -
Displays EVERY inner thought of the wearer in bold, slow scrolling print across his or her forehead. Lasts 12 minutes.
30 The Shameful Shin Guards of Flame Face -
Those who don these leg protections will appear to have a miniature roaring bonfire where his or her head should be. The change is visual only. Lasts 6 Days.
31 The Insidious Scroll of the Dangerous Attitude -
Cast the fearful magic from this one-use scroll at your enemy. Your victim is Compelled to Repeat every spoken sentence around them in a viciously mocking, sarcastic and exaggerated tone. Lasts 20 minutes or until the unfortunate soul is punched unconscious.
32 The All Away Wand of Star Gaze -
A quick blast from this wand, and from the target creature's point of view, absolutely EVERYTHING, including the entire planet he or she is standing on, will become invisible. ( Nothing can be seen but a universe full of stars.) One use per day. Lasts 3 minutes.
33 Helm of Bludgeoning CHAOS! -
Wear this impressive helm and shout the battle cry "Elbowsive BANG!!". All allies in a close-up fight will begin moving like unpredictable blunt hammers in an elaborate, weaving "cups and balls" game run by a skilled mountebank. Nearby enemies will be struck by full bodies as well as weapons. One use per day and the effect lasts one minute.
34 The Curs'ed Gauntlets of Tree Hugging -
If success and survival is achieved after a fierce battle, any creature wearing these strange hand coverings will have a fifty-fifty chance of being irresistibly compelled to trap a tree in tight armed grip. If the conflict takes place in a city or desert, then a tree MUST be sought out. The uncanny NEED to do this lasts 4 hours.
35 The Terrible Terpsicorn -
Any creature that ingests this easily hidden single kernel of corn will be transformed into a musical instrument. All clothing and possessions are absorbed in the transformation and will return when the effect ends. The instrument cannot communicate unless someone attempts to play it. The resulting "voice" matches the instrument. Lasts 4 hours.
36 The Killer Staff of Insulting Goo Gaws -
Once per day, this deadly magic weapon will cause any foe to suffer instant death by transforming them into 100's of small, cheap tasteless Souvenir Stand "gifts". These small items are all transported from some bizarre "otherworld" and consist of seashells with badly painted eyes on them, bits of driftwood with badly painted eyes on them and lumps of glass with badly painted eyes on them. This cheap collection of bric-a-brac holds the shape of the victim for 30 seconds before collapsing into the pile of garbage that it is. The pile of souvenirs persist in this reality.
37 The Curs'ed Boots of the Annoying Mouthful -
When slipped on, the wearer suddenly has a mouth filled with fourteen gaudy costume jewelry rings, a tablespoon of ground pepper, a thumb-sized nautilus shell and a lute pick.
38 The Twisted Ring of Puppet Seaming -
Slip this ring onto any finger and it will size itself to TOO TIGHT instantly. The wearer will then move exactly like a marionette for four hours.
39 The Tyrano Track Trousers of Floor Busting -
For two Days, regardless of species or footwear, the wearer of these pants will leave three inch deep dinosaur tracks that are roughly double the size of their real feet. Interior floors of any type will be smashed to pieces by these tracks.
40 The Wicked Wand of Junk Foodlerism -
Swing this wand overhead and it will disappear into a blasted ring of Red light. The weapons of ALL enemy creatures within 120 feet will be transformed into tasty, salted and compressed cornmeal. Any adversary that reaches for a sword, dagger, staff, crossbow . . WHATEVER weapon they have . . . Will grasp only a crispy junk food replica. Attempts to attack with these weapons will result in their crumbling to bits. If the enemy creatures are non-corporeal then they will turn into five gallon tubs of Salsa dip. If the enemy creatures are of an animal nature, then their attacking physical features (horns, teeth, claws, pseudopods etc.) are transformed to corn chips. If an enemy creature attacks only with spell casting, then their head becomes encased in a solid block of fruit jerky.
41 The Blasting Bellows of Gruesome Banishment -
A single-use leather bladder of paste with a built-in curse to vacuum vanquish an enemy. Spread the black paste entirely on the jamb of any entrance, doorway, stone portal, or small cave opening. The next creature to pass through the opening, in or out, will be uneffected for 11 minutes. At the end of this time, a large, wood and leather bellows will suddenly appear above the victim and open with violent quickness, drawing the poor target through a 2 inch nozzle, tearing and smashing them into a thin stream. The bellows will then Squeeze them out into the Astral plane as bloody, wrecked chunks of its former self. A cruel and evil fate for ANY living being!
42 General Pladbottom's Potion of Hideous Equine Body Blast -
A single use, thumb-sized glass vial. It requires a horse to be within fifty feet of the victim. Pour the contents into a drink or over the food of your hated enemy. Tiny specs of mystery dirt floating in the thin blue liquid will clump together deep within the bowels of the unfortunate victim. These specs will fuse with great heat into a small blue diamond, causing intense agony deep in the creature's guts. The final phase of this vicious potion causes the disappearance of a single horse somewhere within fifty feet, absorbing it into a pocket plane inside the diamond. At dawn, when the unfortunate consumer of this complex and evil poison is touched by a ray of sunlight, the gemstone will wink out of existence releasing the horse at full size to explode out from within the victim's body in a fraction of a second. A gruesome sight not to be witnessed by the weak of stomach. The horse will suffer some minor pressure damage, and will likely require horse therapy for some time after.
43 The Petty Prank Goblet of Snatch You Bald -
Any creature that sips from this curs'ed goblet will suffer an odd and sudden surprise. Within a few seconds their hair, or scales, or horns will leap off of their head and burrow into the ground or slip under the floorboards. The hair, scales or horns will return in 6 hours and re-attach as if nothing has happened.
44 The Amulet of Dark Victory Paralysis -
Immediately after slaying an enemy creature, any wearer of this curs'ed amulet will be struck with extreme, malignant pun paralysis. They may not move from the spot they are standing in, until they make an attempt at a bad pun or amusing quip based on the recent death of their victim. The amulet will glow and release them once the heartless pun is spoken aloud for all to hear.
Sadly, the quality of the pun or insulting final words are not a factor.
45 Donnegal's Dire Didgireedoom -
Musical instrument. When played, it will produce a loud symphony of roars, squeaks, barks, howls and shrieks from all known wild animals of the world. All normal sized flies, gnats and mosquitoes within the audible range of the instrument will drop instantly dead. No other type of insect is effected.
46 The Curs'ed Chain Vest of The disgusting Drunkard -
Those who don this vest will become staggeringly inebriated within four seconds. The wearer will become SO drunk that All nearby creatures, living or dead will appear as imaginary drinking buddies, all named Manny. Lasts 4 hours
47 The Petty Prank Tankard of the All Talk Gnome -
Any who drink from this tankard will be transformed into a small gnome with an OUTRAGEOUSLY deep, booming voice. Their talents, skills and personal attributes will remain un-changed, but the transformation leaves all armor, clothing and weaponry at its original size (usually far too big). If the selected character is already a gnome, then he or she will be transformed into an anvil. The effect lasts 4 hours.
48 The Killer Cane of Garlic Pressing -
A one-use wooden cane of slow brutal slaughter! Carry or use the cane normally for as long as you own it. But . . . Break it over the head of an enemy creature and a massive garlic press will appear above your victim. They will then become stuffed into the cylinder of the press and get squeezed through the holes. Weapons, Armor and Large items will be destroyed, but coins, gems and magic items will remain unharmed mixed in among the stringy globs of gory goo. The giant garlic press will disappear when the grotesque work is done.
49 The Big Boy's and Girl's Book of Annoying Spells -
This is a coloring book with pages that can be torn out and crumpled in order to cast the following spells on anyone within 30 feet. Banged funny bone. ~ Pain of nose-hair pull. ~ Impressive Nosebleed. ~ Dust Fleck In The Eye. ~ Sudden Jock itch. ~ Clumsy Wet Food Drop. ~ Paper cut. ~ Stubbed Toe. ~ Ice-cream headache ~ Multiple Sneeze Fit. One page per spell. The book will evaporate when the last page is torn out. If a wizard attempts to COPY these spells, he or she will suffer all of them at once and spend four weeks of waking up with a greasepaint mustache drawn on their face.
50 The Gorey Gauntlets of Rapid Ripping -
These dread gauntlets have a secret power, activated when a warrior drops or sheathes all weapons. In close combat with any creature of living flesh, place both hands upon the enemy and you will have the sudden speed and strength to tear off all armor while inflicting damage on the foe. ( Many argue what that damage may be, but on a relative scale of one to twenty . . . The answer is likely "up to twenty".)
51 Barron Bannimuck's Bitter Ball of Baby Biscuit -
A harmless looking, small wooden sphere. Tossed suddenly to an unwitting victim, if they catch it they will fall into a fetal position and have a nightmare of being picked up and teethed on by a giant baby. The terrible dream lasts 4 minutes.
52 The Deadly Circlet of Mercy Mash -
Wear this plain looking piece of copper headwear and point your hands. Shout "Statue Stooge Stomp!". A fierce wind sweeps back all creatures surrounding your enemy and a DOUBLE-SIZED scale granite statue of the spell's target comes screaming out of the sky ( or cave roof....or indoor ceiling ) smashing the thing like a million-pound-dung-hammer. Impact in natural terrain leaves a 10 foot deep shaft smashed into the dirt or rock. In structures, all floors are pierced straight through to the building's foundation. Devastating!
53 The Curs'ed Raisin of Brain Bombery -
Place this innocent looking, dry, wrinkly little raisin into a soup or stew while it is cooking. All who partake of a single spoonful from that simmering pot, will immediately suffer a mind degenerated to that of a dim, rude and flighty five-year-old. The effect could best be described as "Puppet Show Stupid". The moronic minds last for twelve minutes and all victims will recall every moment of their grotesque foolishness afterward.
54 King Punditter's Curs'ed Ring of Ghost Voicery -
The unfortunate wearer of this item will be slightly impaired while speaking. All spoken words will issue forth as drawn out, eerie, ghostly moans that echo even if the speaker is outdoors. The ring cannot be removed before the passing of one to twelve days.
The Powerful Pouch of Pine -
A 3 foot by 3 foot dark blue fabric bag that folds flat. The lucky owner will be thrilled and delighted by the bountiful gifts of this miraculous bag, provided that their heart's desire is a large supply of 7 foot tall, brown, dead pine trees. Embroidered on the outside of the bag, are 100 white silhouettes of small conifers. Perceptive owners will note that for every dead, crumbly, needle-shedding tree pulled from the bag, one of the white emblems turns black. The bag will accept NO items any creature tries to put INSIDE it, and will disappear once the final tree is drawn. Ideal for wet weather campfires or for impromptu stake burnings.
56 The Sinister Scroll of Punishing Pitch -
A one-use scroll with a very annoying spell to wield. Target creatures hit with the spell must begin every sentence with an outrageously high pitched voice and trail to the end with their LOWEST vocal pitch possible. Lasts 4 hours or until the poor creature is punched unconscious.
57 Princess Octogram's Mysterious Ribbon of Audience -
When this thin, silky black ribbon is unwound from its ornate porcelain spool . . . every sentient creature within 60 feet of it can hear an invisible crowd of 100 people laughing raucously at their every interaction with someone nearby, along with every completed physical movement. The effect will continue for up to 20 minutes, whereupon the ribbons magically rewinds around the spool. It can be used once per day.
58 The Dread Amulet of the Biblio Pop -
Drop this curs'ed amulet around your neck and you will INSTANTLY transform into a clean, blank parchment journal of normal generic size. The cover will match an amalgam of your clothing and armor, with the amulet embedded front and center. Any attempt you make to speak will appear as neatly penned calligraphy in the journal. While in book form, you will have full sensory awareness of surroundings, but can do nothing other than emote and respond through the written words on your pages. The effect can last as long as four hours.
59 The Midnight Heart Attacker -
This item is an unassuming, simply carved and decorated wooden egg but it bears an unfortunate curse. Every midnight, a sharp, sudden, Ear-Splitting Dynamite Level explosion will be heard, originating from 8 feet above the head of the owner. ( No light, sparks, smoke or damage of any kind occurs. ) All sleepers nearby risk a fifty-fifty chance of suffering soiled pants and some form of temporary mental stress damage from the shocked awakening, adrenaline overload and ringing in the ears. There is also a fifty-fifty chance that the shattering sound will either be confined to within 20 feet of the wooden egg, or be heard as far away as 5 miles.
60 The Shimmering Shawl of Shallowing -
Wear this shawl and you will instantly become 2 dimensional. You will be fully awake, aware and alive, and with all of your normal abilities, but you will be flat as a paper doll for up to twelve hours.
61 The Vicious Scroll of Goody Bag -
This one-use spell scroll will transform a targeted creature into a 30lb. burlap sack filled with penny whistles, pinwheels, carved wooden ducks and packets of dried fruit jerky. A deadly weapon that kills the victim instantly, and provides hours of amusement and delight to hundreds of children.
62 The Pocket Pill of Pretentious Pedantry -
Slip this pill into the drink or food of any creature capable of speech. They must now begin describing their actions and the actions of those nearby, no matter how simple and mundane - using EPIC third-person narrative language as if it were being recorded in legend! Upon occasion during the intense, loud, bold, play-by-play, they may intersperse the descriptions with vocalizations of an orchestral accompaniment, complete with kettle drums and a full chorus. The ageless story the victim tells . . . even if it depicts the tying of a shoe . . . must be worthy of any over-the-top historical adventure opera or play. The effect will last up to 12 hours or until the character is punched unconscious.
63 The Maniacal Helm of Good Coverage -
Adorn yourself with this Decorative Leather and Bone Helm. Suddenly a pail of Bright green paint will appear in your grasp, along with a large brush. It suddenly becomes an urgent matter of Life-and-Death for you to apply at least one coat of this paint to all of your traveling companions in order to "Save" them. This irresistible compulsion lasts until all of your friends who can be reached are painted...or until you are struck unconscious. Removing the brush or pail from your hand causes another to appear in its place. The paint is . . .well . . .paint. Not harmful, but Real...and does not go away when the effect ends. This magic will only impose itself once per week and will effect any sentient creature capable of holding a pail and paint brush who wears the helm.
64 The Vicious Pauldrons of Shoulder Shame Shouting -
Wear these pauldrons and reveal ALL to the world. Upon fitting this armor to your body, there will suddenly be hand-sized versions of yourself standing on each shoulder. The left version will have Horns and the right will have a Glowing Golden Halo. All other creatures nearby will see and hear them too. NEITHER of the small figures whisper in your ear. Instead, the Horned One will scream out your darkest, most diabolic and lowest intentions, insults or fleeting thoughts. The Holy one will sing out your finest aspirations, moment-to-moment virtues and unselfish decisions. These small figures cannot be destroyed or removed without ripping off your head. These small figures will remain from 1 to 4 days.
65 The Baroness Effing Bukkly Boots of Stair Dancing -
If slipped on by any creature capable of wearing boots, a top hat and glossy black walking stick will appear in their hands. They will then have the sudden skill to FLAWLESSLY ascend or descend any set of stairs while executing turns and high kicks. Hat flourishing and cane twirling will also embellish this physical finesse. The skills remain so long as the boots are worn.
66 Spell Wand of Pride or Embarrassment -
May be used ONCE per week. Those who have been targeted by this wand will be fully convinced that multiple views of their loss of virginity are being displayed in "moving pictures" on their back. Lasts up to four minutes. ( No actual scenes displayed.)
67 The Golden Sword of Nasal Inconvenience -
Wield this gloriously beautiful weapon, but suffer a slight physical alteration. Your nose will twist (painlessly) upside-down over the course of 30 seconds or so, and will remain that way for up to six days.
68 The Hideous Mustard Pot of Dinner Destruction -
Set this curs'ed piece of crockery on any table where food has been served. A 'Barbarian Shop Quartet' will appear among the cups plates and dishes. Four Wicked-Looking and Mighty Barbarians ( each about 7 inches tall ) will appear on the table and begin harmonizing an old favorite battle song, while leaping into and STOMPING on each diner's food. The damage and the tiny Barbarians are real..and all surrounding creatures can see and hear them. The chaos lasts for a full minute. At the end of the food stomping, the Barbarians leap off of the table into another dimension.
69 The Gruesome Ring of Retro Justice -
This is a single-use Spell casting ring. Target a creature with the spell from this ring and it will die instantly from impact damage. This will occur owing to the fresh corpse of its very first victim, plucked out of the past and emerging five feet away out of thin air, and SLAMMING into it at 200 miles per hour. A clean-up feature is not included.
70 The Curs'ed Spectacles of False Report -
Place these vision aids upon your nose, and suddenly you will be CONVINCED that your footwear is slowly chewing off your feet. This very convincing effect will last up to four minutes or until you remove your footwear or the spectacles.
71 The Bracelets of Goo Torture -
The wearer of these bracelets will suddenly wield a Steel, Dog-Head Shaped Hose Nozzle that shoots a thick stream of BOILING TAR as far as sixty feet away! The magic death-dealing TAR Cannon will last for 1 minute.
72 Classy Katie's Arachni-Burst Amulet of Terror -
Don this platinum chain with a polished obsidian tarantula amulet and whisper the incantation "CHEERS". You will suddenly feel the addition of eight limbs to your body. Impressively strong, proportionally sized spider legs will spring from your back, all of them tipped with a variety of deadly blades, ready to slice - dice - chop and peel all enemies foolish enough to remain close to you. This terrifying enhancement will last for as long as there are adversaries present to defeat. Can be used once per day.
73 As The Crow Flies Invisible Tree Height Road -
From point A to point B . . . Speak the incantation on this one-use scroll followed by the name of your chosen destination. A smooth road will ramp gradually up into the sky, high enough to clear the tallest trees. Ascend this ramp on foot, horseback or in a drawn wagon. When the road levels off, it will disappear entirely from view at ground level making the path and your traveling companions completely invisible. Your new road in the sky will take as straight a line as possible to your chosen destination, passing above all towns, trees and rivers along the way. Mountains will be gradually avoided in long curves. Stepping off the sky-high road will result in an unfortunate fall from its full altitude. Your group will not travel any faster than normal... but the ROUTE will be Danger-Free and not a detour will be in evidence for as long as you all remain on the road. Your traveling group may also camp on the road. It will remain intact until you descend at or near your selected objective. So if it's a long trip . . bring food and water. Incredible time saver! A cartographer's favorite!
74 Eliza Legend's Chimney Jump Chapeau -
In any town or city, slip on this fashionable headwear and you may travel by teleportation along rooftops one chimney or smoke stack at a time every six seconds. You must remain within the settlement limits of the city and use no more than twenty "jumps" per week. Descending safely from a rooftop remains the challenge of the wearer.
75 Mistress Muriel's Scepter of Extreme Annoyance -
Fall under the spell of this jeweled scepter, and you will find yourself quickly wrapped from head to toe in four separate layers of sticky-glue-coated bedsheets.
The fabric is tightly loomed and well made. The glue is stickier than honey and hardens to a rubbery shell within six seconds. Though it is not impervious to any cutting blade, it is doubtful that you will be free of it without a goodly number of accidental cuts. This deceptively powerful scepter may be used once per week, and will drop the most determined attacker to a struggling bundle of helpless fury!
76 Wicked Walter's Once-a-Week Wigout Wand of WHAT?!! -
Wield this terrifying wand to soak your enemy from the waist down with ice water. After a moment, it will then conjure 22 thumb-sized chimpanzees beneath their lower garments. The tiny simians will bite, scratch and claw until freed from the victim's under clothing, whereupon the tiny monkeys will climb quickly to the head and begin chewing on the ears. The onslaught will persist for up to four minutes.
77 The Vindicta-Ring Garbage Loop of Spite -
A deceptively simple, one foot diameter steel hoop. It is small enough to fit easily in any pack or under a waistband, etc. Its usefulness and potential for revenge are matchless. If an adversary, rival or, at the very least, a scumbag who deserves your ire and contempt is touched by this insidious ring of metal, and you recite the obscure, otherworldly incantation "Bless Your Heart" . . . The ring will be targeted to that being for as long as you own it or until you transfer the curse to another being. What does it do? If you must clear a table of food scraps . . . Sweep up rotten leaves, rancid vegetables or floor scraps . . . toss away ANY bit of stinking garbage that will fit through the hoop . . . ( Yes . . even when you must relieve yourself out in the wild ) . . . The ring will teleport it ALL onto the head and into the clothing of your selected original nemesis. Distance is not a factor, nor will it be blocked by being on a separate plane. The ring may be re-targeted to as many as 12 people before it loses its remarkable enchantment. A vile item. A most distasteful item. An item coveted by MILLIONS.
78 The Zekemeister Blowgun of Severe Inconvenience -
Do not find yourself on the 'business end' of this enchanted weapon. If your bare skin is pierced by a dart from this blow gun, you will find yourself re-located to the opposite side of the world. You will be stark naked. Your normal complexion will be transformed to the colors of an exotic tropical fish, and you will only be able to speak, write and understand an other-worldly language known as Swahili. ( Oh...and you will also be stricken with a severe bout of explosive diarrhea.) If you are fortunate enough to inflict this attack on your enemy, you will witness the collapse of their armor, clothing and possession's to the ground or floor where they will be free for retrieval at your convenience. The victim will not be restored to their original, normal bodily condition until they return to the spot where the dart struck. Even if the victim is a powerful mage, since most teleport spells must be spoken with exacting ritual incantations . . . they will have to manage the journey in the most mundane and time consuming ways. Luckily for the world at large, the blowgun may fire only ONE enchanted dart per year.
79 Lord Lumptangler's Lethal Lathe -
A single-use spell scroll that will literally spin your victim to a gruesome, spectacular demise. Cast it accurately and your enemy will begin rotating in place. Slowly at first . . then increasing in speed until all who look upon the victim will see nothing but a pillar of blurring motion. YOU, however will not behold the sight, as you will be wise enough to take cover before the pillar erupts outward in all directions . . re-decorating an area that may cover a full acre, or most certainly every surface of an interior chamber. Sadly . . . all armor, coins, clothing, jewels or weapons will be damaged to the consistency of blood soaked powder.
80 The Jester's Lethal Launch Cannon of Hilarity -
A pocket-sized carved wooden cannon, as innocent looking as a child's toy. But its hidden menace is deadly. If you see this knick-knack appear in battle, and it is tossed in your direction, do NOT catch it. If you do, the cannon will grow to 1,000 times in size and YOU will be trapped in the barrel of it. Two Mystical dancing Jesters in delightfully festive costumes will appear on the outside of it and begin painting stars and moons and brightly colored rings on the wheels and barrel as your muffled shouts and struggles are heard from within. They will conclude their merry decoration by aiming the weapon straight up and lighting the fuse. A blast will occur beneath you and you will explode from the top, to be sent 1 mile into the sky. Your corpse ( for you WILL be dead by the time you have been ejected from the cannon ) will likely be the last anyone sees of you, as there are known to be powerful erratic winds at such high altitudes. Witnesses may expect only a one in six chance of your remains plummeting back down anywhere near where you were so amusingly dispatched.
81 Sir Andrew's Double Barreled Arcane InSINity Cannon -
Aggressive users of the magical forces are all familiar with the unerringly accurate little jolts of energy called "hocus pocus punches". They do small amounts of damage to their targets, but always . . . ALWAYS strike true. Many will mourn the relative ineffectiveness of these tiny attacks. "It is such a sin," they might muse, "that my enemies are not blasted to pieces by my attacks." That is, until they are lucky enough to wield this ridiculously over-powered magical firearm. With the mere pulling of a trigger on the underside and directing the open tube of this metallic nightmare, ONE HUNDRED of the classic punches will blast out in rapid fire causing multiple enemies to spin like tops or dance in pummeling agony from the malevolent magic onslaught. This is, without a doubt one of the most sought after and expensive items to exist in this world, all the more so because of its sudden plane shift to an unknown location immediately after use. It may be fired repeatedly for as long as it remains drawn and aimed, but this will only last from ten to sixty seconds.
82 The Sky Quake Cloud Sculpting Ox Bladder -
Re-Shape all visible clouds in your area, from the boringly tame shapes of whales and weasels to the grotesquely lewd shapes of . . . imaginative activities that would offend entire provinces. The outrageous power of this mass illusion generator begins with simply inflating a drab, limp and slightly odoriferous ox bladder. Blow it full of air, and toss it straight up into the air as hard as you can. It will detonate with a thunderous and deafening blast . . as rings of shimmering air sweep away from it in a cone of rippling force that transforms all fluffy clouds into DETAILED moving shapes of your full mental visualizations. All who look up, will not look down again in a hurry. Maybe used only during daylight hours - Above ground - and the effect lasts for as long as twenty minutes.
83 Prefect Paul Pennington's Privacy Pulverizer -
A single-use spell scroll. Personal Journals, Company ledgers, Teen diaries . . . No matter the village, town or major city ALL contain embarrassing written secrets. From erotic, sensual musings with NAMED NAMES . . . to outright criminal embezzlement - Here is a spell that takes all of the well hidden pages and secret scribblings of those who take quill to parchment, and displays them to the world by stretching them across the night sky in massive, glowing, sharply focused and easily readable images, directly over the locale from which they came. Young teens will shriek in wild terror as their confessions and crushes are outed to the world. Thieving Magistrates will cringe and begin packing their saddle bags for an escape from arrest. Some literate and thoughtful citizens may ponder a few awkward meetings in the near future with certain neighbors and relatives. This full, night time sky display of all found secrets may take only a few hours... or from sunset to dawn.
84 The Blessed Hanky of Fire Reversal -
To the unschooled, this small square of fabric will appear to be . . just another handkerchief. To the adventuring owner, it is a camper's cherished friend for life! Priming the item is very straightforward and surprisingly dull. When setting up your overnight camp out in the wilderness, gather HALF as much firewood as you normally would. Soak the handkerchief in water and spread it out in the spot where you would like your campfire.. place your kindling on it . . build the fire normally and set the additional 'feeder' logs and sticks nearby. Over the course of the long night, the fire will burn as it should, giving off as much heat and light as any other campfire. Half-way through the night, as the flames die down and all the gathered wood is consumed . . . an oddity of very pleasing magic will manifest, as you witness the fire begin to burn in reverse. Heat and light continue to emanate from the flames...but the smoke begins to descend and be sucked into the blaze restoring all of the wood as it "De-Burns". In the morning, whisper the words "Archipelago Spoon Brigade" and the fully restored firewood will weave itself into the fabric of the handkerchief, leaving it appearing as a non-descript hanky for easy folding and tucking away. When next you use it, a quick toss to the ground will produce all of the wood you first gathered. It's the little things . . . You know?
85 The Darkness Hating Candles of Emperor Pupsang -
These insanely useful candles will most assuredly "curse the darkness". Set one down in any house, mansion or castle and light it. The power of the Emperor's Magic will cause EVERY ROOM in the edifice to be lit with the same light. Light two candles, three candles . . . the light level will be equally matched in every single room throughout the structure. Villains and thieves will find it difficult to hide in ambush and creatures who abhor the light will be forced to find holes in the walls or slink out into the night. Sold only in packs of ten. Gone when burned down just as normal candles would.
86 Magister Mipsilon's Money-Munch Make-A-Meal -
A device no larger than a loaf of bread, yet more valuable than a dozen city bakeries! Slip this singularly well crafted oblong box out of your pack. Drop a single gold or a single gem into a small hopper at the top. Insert the crank handle that comes with it and turn it three times while firmly concentrating on a perfect, fresh cooked hot meal. Flip open the box and find that meal inside, along with a flagon of your favorite tavern drink. Your gold and gem will not appear again, but you will not go without sustenance so long as you have money to spend. It may be used three times per day.
87 The Monstrous Shield of Mickle Might -
Have you ever drawn a load stone through dry dirt and lifted it up to see millions of tiny little particles stuck to it as if by magic? The power of magnetism inherent in that stone makes minuscule bits of metal in the soil stick to it like a fine layer of fuzz. Now imagine a load stone as large and flat as this shield ( for 'tis that very thing ) a BILLION times more powerful for a fraction of a second, and capable, through its enchantment, of hovering over your adversary in battle. Fling this shield toward your enemy while shouting its activation word ( "Killit" ). Watch it stop to hover in place above their head. With a sudden clap of explosive sparking energy, it will produce its fearful results. ALL of the nearly invisible flecks, chips, spikes and splinters of metal in the dirt below them will shoot up through their body in the tiniest tick of a second, piercing them from feet to head in a million places. These tiny bits of micro-metal needles will then stick to the shield like bloody mud as your foe drops to the ground. The shield will then spin quickly releasing that ugly gore and float quickly back to your arm. It may be used once per week.
88 Duchess Hoppinstop's Irresistible Shoes of Summoning -
Present these delightfully fashionable shoes as a gift to any individual you have an interest in seeing again in the near future. The unique power they possess ( if actually worn by someone who receives them ) enables you to compel their travel to you one irresistible step at a time. Your summoned victim must be within a mile of you and you must utter the words "Hither Dog-Ape!". Once your poor victim has arrived in your presence, it is YOUR responsibility to deal with their outrage or confusion. The shoes will lose their enchantment and can no longer be used other than as mundane footwear.
89 The Ancient Ring of Protocol Perversion -
A greeting, and first impression can mean SO much in delicate meetings between nobility, royalty or local high authorities. It may therefore be a brilliant source of amusement to gift this ring to an ambassador or at the very least a spokesperson about to engage in the social niceties of meeting a stranger in a position of great power. The odd and unexpected compulsion built into this ring will completely replace ( in the wearer's mind ) what would normally be a bow, a handshake or even a ceremonial embrace that they would appropriately employ for such a meeting. In its place . . the ring wearer will feel it perfectly friendly, normal and indeed EXPECTED that they should place both hands on the dignitary's face and knead it like dough for thirty seconds. Though it seems a harmless prank to utilize this plain silver ring inset with rubies to witness the awkwardness of the encounter, do bear in mind that WARS have been started throughout its long history across many lands.
90 The Combat Comb of Coif Cutting -
Slip this obsidian comb into your hair ( 'Must be at least shoulder length ) Click your teeth together three times, and all of your glorious flowing locks will gather into a solid, stabbing spike straight up from your head. It will be as sharp as a needle at the tip and rigid as a rhino's horn. Make use of it as you would any deadly stabbing weapon of its respective size, whether it be dagger length or short sword. The spike will remain for as long as you are engaged in hostilities.
91 The Bye Bye Bauble of Bodily Betrayal -
It looks like a lovely, gold, pinkie-sized pendant shaped like the mythical beasty known as the Ostrich, but it holds an astoundingly effective defense if you are attacked. Confusion in your enemy will take hold as they attempt to approach you in stealthy step, aggressive trot or enthusiastic charge. Invocation of this charm will cause them to move in the exact opposite direction. ( Usually backward. ) Any mobility they attempt will end in the betrayal of their intent by their very own legs. If the creature hovers, or moves about by slinking, glooping, swimming etc. Their locomotion will be reversed entirely. It is worth warning though, that if they have sufficient bodily control and sudden understanding of their momentary curse . . they may move TOWARD you if they are wise enough to attempt moving BACKWARD. The effect lasts from one to four minutes and the charm may only be used once per day.
92 The Weird Whistle of Door Defiling -
It may defy pursuers, confuse stalkers or flummox friends, but this small silver whistle has a strange and unknown reason for existing at all. Its power is impressive, but its effect is mundane and curious for its simplicity. In short, it reverses the hinge placement and jamb on any door you physically pass through. Blow this low-pitched, softly toned whistle as you open any door that swings, whether toward you or away from you . . . close it behind you... and the next individual that follows behind you will be betrayed by their own perception. They may see that you pushed it open. Then will fail UTTERLY to do the same as the door's swing is now in the opposite direction. A small change in the universe that must force wonder at why the whistle was created at all.
93 Carl "Squeaky" DiBlazio's Hygienic Fighting Armor -
With great exertion comes great . . . odor. Wear this armor and combat smell as well as your attackers! The instant you exchange blows, this magnificent armor ( available in leather, steel or layered fabric ) will begin generating a soapy foam against your skin and undergarments. As the fight proceeds, it will then generate its own powerful shower of spring water . . first directed inward to rinse you clean, then outward to spray the air with streams of that rinse in all directions as far as five feet. With great luck, some of it will get into the eyes of your melee opponent. Block, parry, swing, stab, rinse and repeat for as long as the fight lasts. Upon conclusion of all hostilities ( if you survive ) you will be a CLEANER fighter than you were when you started. May be used in EVERY hostile encounter.
94 The Kolo Cloth Hole of Portable Neener Neener -
Many have told stories of, or remarked upon a strange piece of foldable "nothing" that will create a passage to throw things into or step through. THIS item creates very much the same kind of "hole", but is only effective when applied to the body. Wrap this oval of golden fabric around your head, and anything from arrows, to hammers that attempt to harm you will pass harmlessly through as if traversing empty air. Lay it flat against your torso and sword stabs or crossbow bolts will also meet with ZERO resistance and pass completely through in the same manner. The hole it creates in you will be oval shaped and roughly the size of your torso, with a bit of vulnerable border surrounding it. Take care that you do not have your back to allies, as they will be subject to the danger of projectiles intended to strike YOU.
95 The Hide-A-Me Escape Stone -
A small, heavy pebble no larger than your thumbnail. Best used outdoors. You may throw this pebble as far as you can, preferably to land among many other pebbles while you are in a dangerous situation. Once the pebble has come to rest wherever it falls, it will form a pocket dimension within that contains low light, up to twenty minutes of air and room enough for you to stretch out and sleep or pace about. Carry on with whatever activity you are attempting. If your fight, flight or risky attempt at a possibly lethal task seems likely to get you killed, you will have an unexpected escape route. As a very last resort, whisper the words "Shrimp Lo Mein" and your body will be transported into the pebble's tiny dimension. When your air supply starts becoming thin. You will be expelled from the small stone, standing directly over it for quick retrieval. WARNING - Only your body will be transported. All clothing, armor, weapons or possessions will remain where you were standing . . ( After a second or two these will drop to a heap on the ground or floor. ) May be used once per week.
96 The Wind Up Copper Chronicler and Hype Herald -
For the Caravan or wagon traveler. Weighing in at 200 pounds, this full-sized mechanical man presents a sparkling glint on every surface. It's a well polished town crier to send ahead of you or your group into a town or village where you want your reputation to precede you. Write down whatever tall tales and legendary feats you wish to be known for, along with a full description of yourself and your friends. Place those written pages inside the Chronicler. Wind up the figure with the twisty knob on its back and set it loose. It will travel at a running speed to your expected destination within a few days. Once there, it will stop in the town square and expound upon you and your party of adventurers from noon 'til sundown every day until you arrive. Wildly dramatic gestures will accompany each story told. THIS special model will also include melancholy ballads and epic, rousing song to entertain and inform any gathered crowd, informing them of your impressive skill and prowess. A superb method of attracting influential citizens with well-paying tasks.
97 The Cruel Scroll of the Nearly Nasal -
Far more insidious than a simple sneezing fit spell, this one-use scroll contains the invocation to produce a severe episode of ALMOST sneezing. Your victim will be on the verge of letting go a badly needed sneeze for up to six minutes. The postures and faces made will be priceless memories. Best used on insufferable boors and rude buffoons at the local tavern . . or close friends and family.
98 Donkey Debra's Lucrative Pay Powder -
Sprinkle the entire contents of this tiny glass tube into the shoes or boots of your intended victim while they sleep. For the whole of the next waking day, they will suffer the unavoidable compulsion to pay 1 Gold per sentence to everyone within earshot who listens while they speak. A magical vial that pays for itself!
99 Baxter Bamillio's Bad Behavior Belt Buckle -
Quietly replace the belt buckle of your prank victim with this transforming metal ring. It will size and shape itself to appear as an exact replica of the original. Over the course of time, the wearer will undergo a subtle mind alteration that they will be completely unaware of. However, when the situation arises, they absolutely MUST whine, fuss and carry on like an annoying, over-tired six-year-old brat when next encountering a city guard or watchman. Laughs O' Plenty! WARNING: Do not use without some reasonable quantity of gold for bail. This power to compel lasts from one to twenty days, or until the original belt buckle is replaced.
100 The Aroma-Weave Cape of Jolly Joe Java -
When worn, this cape will exude the very pleasant aroma of a gourmet coffee bean shop.
The strong and nearly intoxicating scent of fresh ground coffee beans of multiple varieties will be detectable by all creatures within a ten foot radius.