100 Random Monsters
The Rumble Strips - Sharp Stones, broken glass and tangled tin kitchen knives, form ring clusters that spin at high speed like a multi-layered 8 foot tall tornado. These are The Rumble Strips. Enchanted by the free floating dreams of malicious mages, these whirling, twisting, slicing abominations can chop living flesh into confetti within seconds. So far, the most successful method of defeating them is to jam a politician’s head into their rotating ribbons of destruction.
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100 Random Monsters - Wanna' fight or interact with them? Keep it simple. Do opposing d100 rolls. Players go first. If a player or a monster gets a higher roll 3 times ( attacking OR defending ) they win. Player describes what happens.
1 The Magenta Skeletons - Wicked bones of any species, but usually humanoid. The Magenta Skeletons are particularly vicious because they are shunned and looked down upon by their fellow skeletons. Rather than the bleached white of other evil animated bone bodies, they are bright magenta and glow in the dark. It is embarrassing to them and they will act out their frustrations on YOU.
2 The Paisley Spiders - Giant spiders that are cursed with an aggressive disposition. They stand out from all other giant spiders, in that they have a remarkable paisley pattern all over their thoraxes and faces. It is a source of pride for them, and when they are not attempting to bite victims and web them up, they strut in haughty contempt for creatures that are NOT paisley.
3 The Gambling Golems - Wandering packs of metal automatons who force dice upon their victims and gamble for gold. If you have coin of ANY kind they will match the amount and attempt to win it from you. ( ONE opposing roll of a d100. Winner takes all. ) Sadly, whether you win or lose, if they detect that any of your party had coins to bet, but chose not to,they will attempt to smash all of you to bits.
4 The Bludgeoning Spuds - Magically animated root vegetables. A distant cousin of the fabled "Jello Block", these are massive cube shaped potatoes. They are six feet tall, six feet wide and six feet deep. These dangerous spuds will attack by speedily ramming their opponents. They are difficult to hide from as they have eyes on all sides.
5 The Dire Hummingbirds - These are hummingbirds that are the size of horses. They have glowing red eyes. They kick up a challenging wind when they hover to strike, attempting to skewer their victims with their needle sharp beaks.
6 The Projectile Palms - Mobile tropical trees. Projectile Palms will walk toward their victims until about 30 feet away. They will then dig their roots into the ground and grip tightly. You will know they are about to attack when they bend backward slowly. Predictably, they whip forward flinging cocoanuts at you.
7 The Cigar Boxers - Magically animated, rolled tobacco tubes. They are five foot tall with spindly arms and legs. Both fists on them are clad with boxing gloves. It is their habit to attempt bludgeoning their victims with jabs, roundhouse punches and uppercuts. Large packs of them include cigarettes that will wave towels at them and splash water on them as they fight.
8 The Titanic Tardigrades - These are magically enlarged micro creatures. The Titanic Tardigrade is a creeping worm like animal with six legs, no eyes, and a circular mouth ringed with pointy teeth. They vary in size from eight to fourteen feet long by five to 9 feet round. They are attracted to organic smells and movement.
9 The Bell Bottoms - Magically animated, massive metal bells. Their attack involves covering their opponents and beating them to pieces with their clappers. Not a very complex foe.
10 The Razor Leaves - They are deceptively harmless looking from a distance. They appear to be leaves blowing in the wind. If a swirling cluster of them gets close enough you will discover that they are made of razor thin metal, each leaf spinning like buzz saw. A swarm of them moves about like a small tornado.
11 The Clay Pipers - Diminutive, gnome like beings who carry long white clay pipes. They attack by blowing smoke in the faces of their victims. The smoke is so foul and thick that it chokes and paralyzes their victims in a cloud of insufferable stench. Once the victims are coughing and doubled over, they break the pipes over their heads and then go through their pockets for loot.
12 The Dinosaur Ghosts - Spectral beasts of incredible size and speed. They manifest in the shapes of every variety of those fabled beasts from millions of years in the past. Roars and growls from them are ear-splitting and terrifying. Their bites and claw strikes are icy cold and draw blood when successful. Luckily, they can be defeated by wind, fire and the ghosts of massive meteors. (Side note: A 50 piece, full orchestra that features lots of French Horns, will be immune to their attacks.)
13 The Shoplifters - Twelve foot tall, lumbering frog-like creatures with legendary strength. They possess very large hands, each about the size of a queen-size bed. They are capable of digging their flat palms and fingers under the corners of market stalls or small shacks and picking them up above their heads. Once a shop has been lifted, they will drop them violently to the ground.
14 The Penny Pinchers - Elephant-sized porcupines with long needle quills made of copper. They can smell copper coins from many miles away. Charging their opponents, they will attempt to stomp, claw and bite them to death. They will recover all coppers from them and with intense strength, heat up the little bits of metal, stretching them into more quills to place on their backs.
15 The Pitch Sporks - Magically animated variations of a simple farm tool. They are seven feet long and continually ooze boiling hot, black pitch. Their attacks are ranged, flinging clumps of the sizzling tar at their enemies.
16 The Cheap Skates - Magically animated blades of tin, shaped much like the type of footwear made for gliding along on the thick ice of a frozen lake or pond. The cheap skates slide at high speed toward their foes, attempting to slice them up like soft fruits or vegetables.
17 The Tad Poles - Burly humanoids of all species. Each is an expert with the Bo Stave. They are bound and loyal to their roving gangs for no other reason than each member is named Tad. Their favorite method of attack is to press the end of their fighting poles up under the nose of their targets and shove harshly while screaming 'So you think my name is funny do ya?'
18 The Wig Woms - Long haired giant wigs of every color. They possess long, thin legs that engage in constant jumping and leaping. When encountered, they attempt to cover their opponents entirely and tangle them up in their strands.
19 The Wall Papers - Tumbling along at high speed even in a slight breeze, these creatures are patterned in hideous colors or slanted stripes. They are as thin as paper, but tough as tightly woven silk. When close to their enemies, they nauseate them by flattening out and displaying their full colors and patterns. Their final attack is to wrap tightly around them to immobilize and suffocate them.
20 The Carry Atids - ACarry Atids are a variation of stone golems and gargoyles. These creatures all have the appearance of holding up a heavy section of architecture as they wobble forward. They attack by gripping, lifting and carrying off their victims to some unknown location.
21 The Trapezaphorons - Once they were furniture legs. A wicked enchantment freed them and set them upon the world with evil intent. All of them are topped with some wild animal head, tapering down to a claw, hoof or set of talons gripping a ball. They bounce like pogo sticks and have a very rude attack involving rapid and multiple kicks to the groin.
22 The ULTRA BOSS!! - It is 12 feet tall. It has two arms, two legs and a head. It is made of case hardened steel and weighs four tons. Its eyes shoot beams of withering rip rays. In its left hand it clutches a shrieking animated iron leopard. In the right hand, a throwing balloon of boiling ammonia. Its attack is direct and immediate. Its battle roar is similar in sound to 1,000 wooden mallets crashing through 1,000 wall-sized panes of thick glass. The ground vibrates with every stomp of its spiked feet. It can be defeated by a little kid with a stick.
23 The Hand Puppets - Ten foot tall fabric hands that move around, spider-like on their fingers. They attack by attempting to grab and crush their victims. Once the victims are killed, they lift the corpses and move them around like dolls in a poorly written play . . providing squeaky and sarcastic voices to the dead cast.
24 The Loop Holes - These are shimmering, roaming portals that lead to the realm of naughty tortures. They attack with rope-like tongues ending in lassos. A successfully captured victim is dragged toward the shimmering red oval void that makes up their form. A creature pulled all the way through these living voids will never be seen again. ( Unless they ARE… in which case it would probably be next Tuesday. )
25 The Pot Boilers - A wandering cult of human peddlers who maintain wheeled carts holding iron cauldrons of boiling cannabis. The result of their collective cooking is a delicious and healing tea. If you wish to taste it, they require 2,000 gold pieces per cup. They are an otherwise completely peaceful band of merchants, but they will attack suddenly and with great ferocity if you attempt to HAGGLE over the price. Attacks include, but are not limited to . . Flinging the boiling cauldron contents at you and running you over with their carts.
26 The Tally Whackers - Close cousins of the Whipper Snappers, these are Ostritchoids. They have an astonishingly fast running speed and tend to rush past their enemies, striking soundly with long, thick sticks of flexible Birch.
27 The Copy Cats - Feline creatures who walk upright. They annoy their chosen targets by imitating every spoken word and movement. Their voices become gradually more strident and mocking the longer they mimic their prey. They will attempt to remain out of range, but will follow any group or individual indefinitely to the point of exhaustion.
28 The Ear Worms - Insidious snake creatures that attempt to slither up the bodies of their victims and cough out a singing parasite into the ear. The grub-like invader then introduces a musical tune as it grows, repeated again and again without mercy. An ear worm victim will be unable to think rationally or sleep after 1 hour. The only known cure for an ear worm attack is to pour ice cold lemon ale into the assaulted ear while screaming a favorite local folk song.
29 The Lounge Lizards - Reptillian humanoids dressed in wide lapeled pastel suits. They grow a rim of long hair around their heads which they comb over their top baldness and carry glass tumblers of exotic liqueurs, sipping from them occasionally when they are not telling rudely suggestive jokes. One of the least harmful monsters to come across.
30 The Hell Hemps - Fifty foot long lengths of thick rope that slither along with surprising swiftness. They were once non-magical and mundane, but were infused at some point with demons. Now they seek out living creatures and attempt to strangle or crush whatever they come across. They are resistant to blades, but can be slowed down if their ends are tied together. A Monkey fist knot will disable them entirely.
31 The Renegade Knights on Stilts - If you suddenly hear what sounds like a kitchen pantry full of pots, pans and jelly molds being rocked and shaken like a slow motion maraca, you are likely to encounter the renegade knights on stilts. .These are actual knights in armor, cursed long ago by an offended witch to spend their lives weaponless and horseless. They move about on sixteen foot stilts and will attack you by planting the ends of their stilts solidly in one place and falling over directly onto you.
32 The Lava Lamps - Easily spotted well before they are in attack range, these lamps illuminate their surroundings in a roughly eighty foot radius. If a party is unfortunate enough to fail at avoiding them, the Lava lamps will eject their contents and inflict severe sizzle damage.
33 The Marshmallow Chicks - Magically apparating swarms of hot, yellow puffed sugar, all shaped like baby chickens. They will cluster and clump on their victim's bodies causing over heated suffocation in a massive ball, cooking them much like the mundane defense strategy that bees employ. To date, no one has witnessed what a 'Queen Chick' looks like.
34 The Circus Peanuts - Pastel shaded, leaping legumes. At first, only one or two are detected by the unwarry. Very shortly . . They arrive in droves and begin to swarm, jumping over each other, juggling pebbles and eventually shouting in a crackly chorus: ‘Ladies, Gentleman and Children of ALL ages . . .We are NOT nuts! We grow Underground!’
35 The Chewing Gum - House sized blobs of rubber tree sap. These gooey fiends roll toward their victims and engulf them. They form a stringy huge mouth with their entire bodies and suffocate their prey while trying to chew on them. If you are swallowed by a chewing gum, you will stay in its digestive system for seven years. If you are rescued from a chewing gum attack, you will need to shave your hair off.
36 The Sealing Wax Lips - Arguably one of the most bizarre entities of evil to ever escape a mad wizard’s nightmare. They float and hover at about head height as bodiless smiling red lips. They range in color from poppy red to licorice black, and when cut or killed, have the consistency of sealing wax. Survivors of their attacks indicate that they attempt to melt their victims with jets of acid once they make contact and KISS their prey.
37 The Rain of Terror - Roiling clouds that hover and glide along, 20 feet above the ground. Indoors they form a fog. When they begin drizzling, folks that are caught under them begin slowing down with a sense of dread. When they start to pour heavily, Victims will be SOAKED to the skin and begin screaming in horror for no particular reason.
38 The Lode Stones - Warriors beware! If you carry metal weapons and wear armor, you can be vulnerable to these enchanted badass boulders. They roll along in the thickest woods or over the sands of any desert. Metal of every kind is drawn to them with relentless strength, often resulting in swords, shields and war hammers being violently wrenched from the hands of defenders. Armor must be removed very quickly or it will drag them against these magnetic menaces. Once pulled against a ravenous rock, the hapless victim will be crushed under the load of its weight with a finishing drop and slam.
39 The Red Herrings - An arcane puzzle much like the rest of this world’s insane and unpredictable abominations. These are red schools of fish that swim through the air, driven along by an ‘Aqua Trolls’ who walks behind them. Trained to dart and swarm about close to your head, they obscure your sight and distract you while the Aqua Troll slips close enough to whack you soundly with a club made of carved stone and shaped like a puffer fish.
40 The Pillow Fighters - Humanoids of any species. They are described more by tactics than magical or natural predatory instincts. Pillow fighters are identified by grotesquely bad pajamas, tight sleeping caps and garish novelty slippers. Their aggressive mode of deadly assault consists of swinging pillow cases at each other, each stuffed with a few small iron balls. They carry on their mock battle as partners. No swing or swipe they make at each other actually strikes home. They laugh, dodge and dance about in a playful fight. Once they get on either side of you though and flank you, EVERY swing strikes home. NEVER get between two pillow fighters if you can avoid it.
41 The Dough Boys - The dough boys are shape changing demons who appear as wealthy, malicious fops. Most often they can be easily spotted traveling in caravans of sedan chairs being carried by indentured servants. Their reputation has been cemented in lore by their consistent method of goading, sneering at and bribing their victims. At first they demand to be brought cherries and cooked ribs to be served on the road or in the forest. If refused, they start with 20 coppers and then offer increasingly higher and higher sums until the food is delivered to them. The offers and payment become higher still as they require the victim to kneel as a foot stool while they eat. All the while, they will be spitting cherry pits and chucking bones at them along with vile insults. If killed, their illusion is removed and they revert back to (dead) demons. Many a rural pub has a collection of dough boy heads mounted on the walls.
42 The Jaw Breakers - Amazingly adorable little puppies! Once they have lulled you into a false sense of security and they’re snuggled in your arms . . they pretend to sleep. Then . . . WHAM!! They jerk their little heads up with supernatural strength and bash your jaw with their steel hard skulls. They begin chewing through your rations pouch before you’ve hit the ground and abscond with all of your food. A few of the devilish little buggers may pee against your ankles before they quickly dart off.
43 The Tarnations - Extremely rare manifestations. Tarnations appear out of thin air like water droplets on a cold glass in a hot tavern. Once fully formed, you will find yourself facing off against a grotesque and malevolent creature. They have a bird’s head, a meerkat’s body, frog’s legs and chimpanzee arms. They quickly strike the pose of a skilled fencer and wield a rigid electric eel for a sword.
44 The Root Canals - On most occasions, the Root Canal trees may be hundreds of feet away, yet still manage to send their roots racing under the ground toward you and your party. Once beneath you… the tough tendrils will climb up your body, squeezing you like a constrictor snake as they wriggle into your mouth and take root in your gums. Their final assault is a violent YANK to pull out as many of your teeth as possible. They are gruesome, merciless and lightning quick.
45 The Slow Pokes - Hypnotizing figures in solemn hooded robes. A steady gaze into the darkness where their faces should be, will paralyze an unwary traveler from head to toe. These fiendish creatures each carry a lump of yellow chalk and a sharp dagger. Once a target has been rendered helpless, the Slow Poke will carefully mark a yellow ‘X’ somewhere on the victim and set the point of the dagger to the chalkmark with exacting precision and push slowly on it until it is buried to the grip. They make no sound.
46 The Akro Bats - They are dog sized bats. They have perfectly functional wings, they just don’t choose to use them. Instead, they launch themselves at their prey by swinging on long vines. As they swing, they yodel like a wild English Lord. If encountered in a town or indoors, their vines appear magically out of spite.
47 The Hecklers - Like so many other dangers populating a world of unpredictable madness, Hecklers attack in large packs. They are sentient creatures of all species. Gathering in groups of a hundred or so, they will sit facing you or your party, eating and drinking quietly as they focus their attention on you. Then the cruelty begins. Unseen members of the pack will fling plates, foodstuffs, empty bottles and biting insults at you, triggered by any word you utter or movement you make. They can only be defeated by isolating the hidden attackers among them and pulling down their pants. This will reveal undergarments with cartoon ducks or bunnies decorating them.
48 The Fashion Police - Woe be it to the traveling band of treasure seekers who set forth in shabby or out-of-date attire. The Fashion Police will shriek contemptuous and malicious insults while swinging sleek scimitars at every offending garment you wear from hats to shoes and everything in between. They can be defeated by forcing them into baggy beige shorts, pulled down just low enough to reveal the top of their underwear. Alternate methods of sending them away in shame: Jam them into a knitted sweater of pastel colored paisley or wrestle them into a white smock covered in food stains.
49 The Huskin' Bees - Another grotesque enemy that attacks in swarms. Huskin’ Bees will attempt to strip away your garments and outer flesh. A Huskin’ Bee is, on average, about the size of a grapefruit. They grip a tough silk line of cord with a set of barbed hooks tied to the end, swinging it in fast circles. They can be escaped by diving into the nearest body of water that will cover you, or by leading them into a cornfield.
50 The Ex Dolls - The discarded toys of the rich, these horrendous broken monstrosities are shaped like babies and have an evil stare that can pierce through granite sheathed in lead. The Ex Dolls are usually missing most of their hair and are covered in smudged, hard shelled shiny skins spotted with black mold. Their favorite form of attack is to surround your party on all sides and twist their heads 180 degrees in unnaturally slow rotations before opening ONE working eye. They’ll usually follow this with horrific, high pitched screams before leaping at your face.
51 The Steam Punks - They swing chains at you. They flick half smoked cigarettes at you. They have gutter mouths and an endless stream of sarcastic, caustic comments. Opponents have reported that they may start an incident by throwing a knife into a tree or wall as close as possible to one of your party members, and then claim they were only practicing. They have earned their label by the amusing way they issue jets of steam from their ears when badly damaged.
52 The Quilting Bees - They do not sew. They do not quilt. They Collect victims for those who do. Quilting Bees are 9 feet tall, with a wing span of 24 feet. They’re so silent they can descend behind you and have you in their gripping legs before you know it. A slam of their head to yours will render you unconscious before they fly you off to their masters . . . The Micro Guerillas. When you awaken, you will find that your clothing has been sewn tightly and with perfect stitching to the clothing of victims to your right, left, above and below. It is the Micro Guerillas that do the actual “quilting”. Experts with a needle and thread, these 4inch tall guerillas create quilts out of the clothing of victims stolen away by the giant bees who take all the credit, simply because they’re bees.
53 The Oval Teens - Teen aged adversaries of every species. They are labeled ‘Oval Teens’ because they don’t circle you. That would require some level of awareness and cooperation. Their minds are locked shut tighter than a vault door. They will not listen to the end of any sentence, but will argue simply for the sake of arguing. They will pounce on and micro-nit-pick every syllable out of your mouth and never let a trivial point go by without dwelling on the semantics. They will grind your time and progress to a complete halt. When there are more than one of them, they will interrupt and talk over each other for an added bonus to their natural skill. (Casting a pall of tedious misery over your experience.)
54 The Witch Atoll Lion Men - At the far reaches of the world, there is a remote paradise ruled over by strange and exotic Witches. Their tropical domain is an atoll populated by a race of lion people. Every few years, the lion people will try to overthrow the rule of these Witches by assembling the strongest and fiercest male warriors among them and attacking them with buckets of water. The Witches punish such rebellions by banishing the lion men to some distant, random spot in the world. They may pop into existence directly in front of you and douse you with a full bucket of sea water. Upon recognizing they are no longer anywhere near their home, they can become enraged, demanding that YOU send them back.
55 The Tarantula La's - Giant arachnids that attack with rapidly spun webs to trap their victims. Once cocooned, you will be a captive audience, forced to witness them taking up bargain basement musical instruments and inflicting you with hours of amateur garage band rehearsals.
56 The Moon Pigs - Faster than a terrified fox evading the chase. As heavy as a fully grown sow can be. These ballistic piggies dash at their victims with manic concentration and leap with astonishing grace, twisting and gyrating in the air with the sole purpose of bashing their prey unconscious by leading with their buttocks for a solid impact to the face.
57 The Rude Mechanicals - Sprockets, gears, springs and shiny metallic outer shells make up these automata with bad attitudes. They usually appear at an adventuring party’s campsite, once all of the wood has been gathered and the food prepared. They will plop themselves down next to you with a violent, clanking THUMP and shove you aside a few inches while grabbing for your food. Many will make disparaging remarks about your camp, your clothing, your faces and your cooking as they chew it up with mouths wide open. Once the meal is fully consumed, they will complain loudly if no more is offered, then put their feet up on you and lean back to snooze loudly.
58 The Itch Hazels - Swooping in from tree tops or crashing in through a window . . . The Itch Hazels like to make an entrance worthy of truly Malignant Harpies. Their specialty attack is the release of a fine, powdery dander that produces an instant, irresistible scratching fit among their targets. They may fly off with a victim or two, or they may be content with gloating over your discomfort with a wicked evil smile.
59 The Booze Hounds - Horse sized dogs. They are predominantly of the Boxer breed, but the Booze Hounds can appear as any canine type. They do not hunt for alcoholic beverages of any kind. They arrive saddled with full KEGS of Ale and Whiskey. They will tear an adventuring party to shreds if their strong drink is imbibed in sufficient quantity.
60 The Stinkin' Badgers - They began as a sales force for local perfumeries. Standing upright at human height, sporting trench coats and lurking in side alleys, the Stinkin’ Badgers will slip quickly in front of you and reveal an impressive selection of cheap scents in bottles that are sewn to their inner cloak linings. From overpowering pumpkin spice to throat chokingly strong lavender to tropical banana musk . . . these nasal bashing mammals will do anything in their power to sell one to you ‘dirt cheap’. Refuse to buy, and you will be pursued by them for hours as they spray you with samples of sinus shredding cologne.
61 The Bureau Cats - Spectacle wearing house cats with VERY sharp claws. They will allow safe passage so long as you have your paperwork in order. If you do not have the proper paperwork, they will provide it, in triplicate. They will also provide ink, quills and administrative assistance as you complete all 100 pages. If you refuse to do the paperwork, they attack with tooth and claw. They can be defeated by spilling dark beverages on the files in their shoulder pouches.
62 The Kangaroo Day Grahs - These exotic leaping mammals are known the world over for their aggressive attack instincts. The Kangaroo Day Grahs are far more dangerous than their mundane predecessors. These beasties have mastered the skill of gripping DAGGERS in their paws. Kicks, tail swipes and bites become secondary to the ultimate ‘death from above’ attack when they strive to finish you off with a well aimed downward pointing blade as they descend from a final high jump.
63 The Smithereens - Close cousins to the ‘Boom boxes’. The Smithereens delight in blasting themselves and their victims to tiny bits. They appear to be methodically walking bundles of metal and odd scraps of junk with red, blue and white wires looping out of them. They are about the size of a small mechanical doggy. Their swarming chant is a distinctive tick tick tick tick sound. Once they have succeeded in getting within a few feet of you, it’s all over but the deafening blast and the ground crater.
64 The Boom Boxes - Close cousins to ‘The Smithereens’. The Boom Boxes survive their own attacks and do their best to kill or injure TWO victims with one attack. They appear as dirty steel cubes, about three to four feet in all dimensions. They can be heard from a good distance by their thumping, heavy ‘roll’ as they move along or take a direct bee line to an intended opponent, often playing magically LOUD tunes of poor musical quality. Their strategic instinct is to position themselves between two victims. A terrifying and destructive blast issues from one side, usually taking out the legs of one unlucky victim, and smashing into the victim behind them as they are propelled backward.
65 The Ahboo Dorayes - Pear shaped humanoids with a thin layer of fur and hair styles that look like pointy scoops of ice cream were dropped on their heads. The Ahboo Dorayes smile serenely and sing in unison while surrounding their prey and linking arms or clutching each other’s hands. Their singing becomes louder to mask the screams as they randomly do their best to bite chunks of flesh from their victims. A survivor’s transcription of their grizzly chant: ‘Here’s our dinner - Here’s our dinner - Bite the heads off. Chew each nose. Here’s our dinner - We’re the winner - Warm each heart as their blood flows!’
66 The Lucky Dips - Clam shaped creatures with needle sharp teeth. They are only fist sized, but bite hard enough to pierce bone. They form their ‘nests’ to look like large barrels filled with sawdust. Unwary adventurers who might reach into the sawdust to find hidden treasure will often withdraw their arms, screaming in agony. There will be at least a dozen of these tiny nightmares clamped to their hands and forearms. Not a complex foe.
67 The Pawn Breakers - Pawn Breakers are Octopoid creatures dressed in noble finery and wearing round-rimmed glasses. They slither and curl along on their eight limbs when traveling on dry land. Each possesses a small folding table and some form of portable chess set. Their method of attack is to feign interest in a friendly game. Once you have made your first move, they will quickly snatch up two pawns and attempt to jab them into your eyes with furious gusto.
68 The Powder Monkeys - Powder monkeys are deceptively intelligent. They work in teams. Most of them will caper and cartwheel about in an adorably entertaining manner. When they get within melee range of you, they will lightly tap your face with a powder puff as if touching up your makeup regardless of whether you wear any or not. During this rigmarole a few of them will take advantage of the distraction to place small kegs of black powder among your group. They will dash off, leaving a thinly spilled trail of the explosive behind them. From a safe distance, they will strike a flint.
69 The Window Pains - One of the simplest bizarre magic adversaries to spot in the wild. The Window Pains are mundane looking, fully functioning window casements with sliding, upper and lower sash weighted windows. They will hover in midair, fully fixed in one position. They attract their prey with a portal-like view. Gaze out of a Window Pain and you will see a beautiful panorama of rolling grassy hills and bright sunlight. Lean out through the open lower section and you will spot frollicking clusters of otters, puppies, kittens and baby seals slowly moving off to one side. Lean through further as you try to keep sight of them, and the window will SLAM down its lower section, attempting to smash you or cut you in half. A Window Pain can be defeated by sliding a thick tree trunk halfway through it, or by closing it and applying several layers of paint and waiting for it to dry.
70 The Short Cutters - The Short Cutters are miniature giraffes. They walk and stand on their hind legs in an attempt to make themselves taller, but the tallest among them are usually 5 or 6 feet. Clothed like scruffy urchins or urban street thieves, they will always attack from behind with hidden pizza slicers.
71 The Metro Gnomes - The Metro Gnomes dress in intimidating leathers and wear dark sunglasses. They will often be leaning against stone walls or trees as if waiting for a scheduled, horse drawn coach. They will NEVER make eye contact. Most often they will be staring down at their own palms as if attempting to read them.
72 The Rocking Horses - This wild breed of horse gathers in peaceful herds and remains harmless until finding itself on high ground overlooking a canyon passage. It is then that The Rocking Horse is overtaken by a deadly instinct to shove and kick the largest boulder it can move, sending it plummeting onto the heads of any travelers below.
73 The Rumble Strips - Sharp Stones, broken glass and tangled tin kitchen knives, form ring clusters that spin at high speed like a multi-layered 8 foot tall tornado. These are The Rumble Strips. Enchanted by the free floating dreams of malicious mages, these whirling, twisting, slicing abominations can chop living flesh into confetti within seconds. So far, the most successful method of defeating them is to jam a politician’s head into their rotating ribbons of destruction.
74 The Chin Chillers - Chin Chillers are shaped like Manta Rays and glide in a slow, magical flight over land and sea. Their attack is a wave of bone chilling cold that pulses from their entire body every 30 seconds. They are easy to spot during the day because of their intensely black fur. They are just as easy to spot at night because they were trained by merchant’s guilds over many decades to flash advertisements on their abdomens in bright glowing colors. Released into the wild, they escaped control of the guilds and now just roam silently. Many an unlucky adventurer has been frozen to death by these creatures. Even the mightiest of warriors will take their last breath while seeing ''Come to Maggy’s Booze n’ Snooze for a hot meal and a room for the night!''
75 The Razor Back Hogs - They are hogs. They attack in great stampeding numbers. They have actual razors on their backs. Enough said?
76 The Checkered Crabs - Massive, yellow crabs with random black squares appearing along their carapaces. They will attempt to grip you in their claws, lift you onto their backs and scuttle quickly to some unknown destination. They can be defeated without too much fuss by shouting your OWN desired destination and giving them a sizable amount of gold when you reach it. (Or by smashing them with a war hammer.)
77 The Moyda Boiguz - The Moida Boiguz (Also known as ''The Meat Pie Muggers'' ) are street vendors by appearance, but are ‘almost certainly’ secret accomplices to the cowardly thieving cutthroats they are in league with. Their attacks are subtle and can take as long as an hour to detect if not longer. They sell steaming hot ‘almost certainly’ meat patties stuffed into hollowed out baguettes which are fried in ‘almost certainly’ fresh butter. Harsh spices and raw onions mask the taste of anything suspicious. After they have made a successful sale, they quickly wheel away their carts and meet up with thieves to point out the most recent customers. The customers (hopefully not YOUR group) will find that their limbs are weakened, their whole bodies are perspiring and their insides feel as if they are digesting a bowl of ice cubes. THAT is when the knife wielding thugs pounce. Are the victims much less able to defend themselves? Almost Certainly.
78 The Chop Sticks - They are tree branches. They are thick limbs by the hundred, trimmed from felled trees. They remember the feel and shape of the axes that killed their mother tree. They form the axe shape and lay themselves down among dried leaves, waiting for the meat bags to get close. A serious attempt at revenge follows.
79 The Hard Bargains - The Hard Bargains phase into existence as a pile of refuse, roughly the size of a small shack. Each item in the pile is an object that was sold in a junk shop at ''INCREDIBLE SAVINGS!''. From leaky boats to cracked cauldrons to punctured pitchers . . . each item is infused with a mindless resentment at being discarded by duped customers. Their animated enchantment sets them loose to attack with methods special to their original shape or function. (A pair of bottomless boots will KICK. A rusted barbecue fork will PIERCE. A bent toasting rack will BRAND etcetera.)
80 The Kings of Sheeba - Demented humanoids, mostly human. The Kings of Sheeba came together to argue their claim to genuine royalty amongst each other. They would prefer to have their Kingship uncontested. Being slightly challenged in the reality department, they harbor a deep resentment that the Queen seems to get all of the attention throughout the world. They will take out their low self-image issues on YOU, especially if you fail to address them as ‘Your Majesty’. None of them have even visited Sheeba, let alone have any claim to the throne.
81 The Death Warrants - Any size or species. They appear normal, peaceful and innocent at first. When they get close, they will offer you a handful of chocolate covered nuts or a cake or an amusing toy. The gift is FREE if you sign a parchment. Once signed, they will scream ''YOU SIGNED YOUR OWN DEATH WARRANT!'' three times. They will then hyperventilate and cackle madly for a while until they calm down and regain their composure. Then they will attack to kill.
82 The Pack Rats - Sleek and quick, the Pack Rats are overgrown sewer rats that drag along iron teapots everywhere they travel. Acting on some strange compulsion from an otherworldly children’s story, they will attempt to overpower you and stuff you into their tea pots.
83 The Hunter Gatherers - Throw back beings of every species, who simply hunt and gather. They do not worry themselves about who or what they feed themselves with.
84 The Book Wyrms - Enemies of knowledge and reading among the sentient species, The Book Wyrms are large dragons that seek out shoppes and libraries where large collections of books can be found. They will rip away walls and roofs to get at the books, gathering them in their taloned feet and dropping them in swooping dive bombs onto their victims. Many adventurers have been hit with deadly accuracy by thick tomes dropped from hundreds of feet above them. A full set of encyclopedias could spell DEATH for the unwary.
85 The Whipper Snappers - Over-Sized Pelicans with bright green striping. They wield long, braided bullwhips with deadly accuracy. They seem to be driven by pure malevolent evil. Or . . . They simply resent the fact that they are pelicans with bright green stripes.
86 The Objects in Mirrors - If you are wandering the countryside or exploring a dungeon and you see a full-length dressing mirror leaning against a tree or wall, draw your weapon immediately! Upon investigation of the reflection, you might see an armoire, coat tree or chaise lounge in the background, roughly twenty feet behind you. Unless you are lightning quick, any one of these magically animated pieces of furniture will be looming within inches of your shoulder as you turn your head. Violent impact damage will follow.
87 The Pin Yada Yadas - They appear as a variety of animal shapes covered in bright, festive strips of paper. They will always be suspended about 8 feet in the air, either hanging from a low tree limb or ceiling. Nearby and easy to spot, will be a wooden stick and a blindfold. Those familiar with traditional birthday celebrations may wish to put on the blindfold and take up the stick, swinging with glee at the suspended target. THIS WILL SPELL DOOM. A powerful spell of bodily paralysis will burst out and spread in a widening circle, making every adventurer within 100 feet unable to move from where they stand, but still able to speak and move their upper limbs.
Whether the Pin Yada Yada is struck or not, the animal shape will crack open, and spill out a pair of gossiping busy bodies dressed in bathrobes and slippers, each with a cup of hot tea. They will begin relating damning judgements, lurid suspicions and unbecoming stories about their neighbors. They will then provide very long and detailed descriptions of their bodily ailments and medical history.. In the SECOND hour, They will deliver an unbroken report of every flaw they have observed in their relatives … pausing occasionally to remember the first names of every distant cousin. Then enthusiastic and vivid descriptions of their triumphs in the local market place, putting the vendors ‘in their place’ and receiving discounts for lingering and haggling to the point of every peddler’s agony. At the beginning of the THIRD hour, they will debate the right and wrong way to prepare liver and potato leftovers. They will then brew a fresh pot of tea and spice it up with a little Gin and start talking about how miserable their travel holidays were. Interruptions from you or your party will go unheeded. Popular methods of defeating the Yada Yadas is to spill their tea or break free of the paralysis spell and douse them with two buckets of ice water.
88 The Wild Bores - Contrary to the sound of their name, The Wild Bores have nothing porkine about them. They are massive werewolves. In darkest night ( No moon. No . . . really . . . NO moon ) you may find yourself struck down with your back to the ground and staring up into the insanely vicious face and open jaws of a Wild Bore with little chance of escape. As sentient humanoid beasts, it should come as no surprise that these monsters speak. They will pin you down, keeping you helpless and unmoving. You will then be subjected to hearing a two to three hour recounting of their theories about the invention of melon ballers, the amortization of obscure farm equipment, memorized notes on town hall meetings for deciding the names of main sewer junctions, a history of wool grading for the past 100 years and many other fascinating topics. The slow, hissing, snarling outpouring of worthless trivia will be endless. No bathroom breaks.
89 The Anti-VaxMaskers - Usually found in large gatherings of strangers such as in market squares or town celebrations. The Anti-Vaxmaskers possess a unique explosive powder weapon that fires lethal lead pellets from a steel tube with a revolving wheel of metal. Their default pass-time is to load a single pellet into the ammunition wheel, spin it, and then spin around themselves, holding the weapon away from them pointing randomly into any portion of a crowd. They squeeze a spring loaded trigger and either blast a deadly slug into a total stranger . . . or not. The chances are low that a single Anti-VaxMasker will actually kill someone, but enough of them let loose across the land guarantees that hundreds will be murdered senselessly. The longer they engage in their mindless contempt for other life, the higher the probability of death from their un-checked ‘freedom’ to play. It is a chance they are willing for everyone else to take.
90 The Ballerina Bandits - These marauding menaces can appear out of nowhere. They are one of the most mysterious bands of thieving cut throats to be encountered in this world. Every member of this band is a grizzled, tough, experienced contender with a wiry beard and a grim face. They do not shout “Stand and Deliver!” or . . “Your money or your life!”. They simply attack with great speed and without mercy. The oddity that makes them mysterious? They carry out their wicked robberies while dressed in pink body tights, orange frilly tutus and ribbon laced point shoes. A poor fashion choice for such graceless, face-stomping brutes.
91 The Highway Robbers - A Highway Robber is an almost Mythical creature of gargantuan size, similar to the big tusk pachyderms of old. In large enough numbers, they will line up along the side of a well packed dirt road or stone paved highway, jamming their collective massive tusks into the ground and digging across it. Once the unnatural path is turned to large mounds of dirt, they tip surrounding trees over the mounds. As few as five of them can effectively remove a mile of highway in a single day.
92 The Filthy Swine - They wander in packs, snuffling along the ground and eating damn near anything that isn't grass. Their stench can be detected from 200 yards away (even upwind) by any species with the ability to smell. They threaten no physical harm. They simply attempt to get close enough to rub their bodies against you like a cat. If they succeed, for the next four days you will smell like an eye watering combination of vinegar, raw sewage, rotten meat and used diapers.
93 The Endangered Species - ABelligerent and resentful animals of extreme rarity. They are a combination of plaid eagles, striped platypuses, elastic moose and rock lizards. Some of them have been heard to shout cruel threats before concentrating on the lethal elimination of any species NOT endangered.
94 The Fish Mongers - Arguably the strangest beings to fall victim to, in an already strange world. The Fish Mongers set dimensional portal traps. Once transported by these invisible circles, you will find yourself in a plane of hot sunlight. You and your group will be standing in a small clear circle surrounded in every direction by 3 to 6 acres of fish, laying flat on the ground and spoiling slowly in the heat. The Fish Mongers place them there meticulously keeping the Carp, Bass, Fluke and Salmon one layer thick and rotting in the dirt. They remain circling around their field of crippling STENCH. Victims of their trap can only return to their own plane by tackling a Fish Monger to the ground and tying it up. The odd beings will actively run from you while throwing dead, sun spoiled, slimy fish at you. So many have asked why, but these creatures do not answer. They have one eye, one nostril and no mouth to answer with.
95 The Whimsy Whales - They simply should not exist. But they do. They are yet another magic user’s nightmare. The Whimsy Whales galumph and giggle. (A full sized, blue whale’s ‘giggle’ sounds much like descending musical scales played on a tuba in a cathedral, listened to at slow speed.) Most often encountered on rolling, open plains or forest clearings of considerable size, these giant creatures do not seem to be distressed in any way that they are out of the water. They flop toward their victims in an attempt to crush them under the weight of their whale tonnage.
96 The Amygdalaniacs - The Amygdalaniacs are wrinkly brain portions that move about on five foot tall chicken legs. They exude illusion magic that transforms a victim’s surrounding view into a vista of jagged mountains and narrow paths. Travelers overcome with the illusions will see themselves on narrow wooden bridges or paths that span across thousand foot drops. Once a party member has been duped into believing the illusion, they become paralized with fear. The Amygdalaniacs will then approach their prey and scratch just hard enough to draw and consume a drop of blood. The damage is minimal, but the creature will then hold the power to invade your mind with random illusions for 1 to 6 days after a successful attack.
97 The Scream Doors - Close cousins of The Window Pains, The Scream Doors slide slowly up from the ground or floor as free standing doors in casements. If opened, they will shatter the local surroundings with a scream that makes your teeth vibrate and your bowels loosen. They exert a compulsion upon their victims to place their hands and fingers into the small pivot space where they are hinged to the casement, crushing them with swift slamming. They are best defeated by smashing them to tiny bits or hammering a small wedge of wood beneath them.
98 The Cricket Bats - The Cricket Bats are a continually dwindling species. Their fur is soft and bright white. This alone makes them a favored prize among trappers and skinners. They are roughly goat-sized with a 16 foot wingspan. While generic, mundane bats swoop and dive for insects, Cricket Bats hunt birds. They have earned their name by clustering in tall, sturdy trees hanging from their sharp teeth, rubbing their legs together. The sound has been described as an out-of-tune orchestra’s string section, continually attacking a variety of minor notes.
Sadly for them, it does not attract other Cricket Bats, and it drives away all birds within a mile radius. Having no food to capture, they occasionally swoop down and bite the heads off nearby travelers.
99 The Innuendo Imps - Close cousins to the ‘Lounge Lizards’ and ‘Hecklers’ . . these denizens from hell are usually teenage virgins with horrendous hygiene. Circling around they attach themselves to an adventuring party (from a carefully maintained distance) and barge in on every sentence with shouts of ‘That’s what SHE said’ . . or ‘Oh . . is THAT what they’re calling it these days’ . . . or ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’. Screamed warnings and threats will not drive these unnatural creatures away. They will interrupt every sentence you speak with some twisted comment turning the most innocent of phrases into lewd, suggestive, mind-in-the-gutter meanings. Their comments are usually followed by hissing grunts and snorting laughter. Victims of these devils will neither sleep nor eat in peace for DAYS until the foul little creeps are dispatched with ranged weapon attacks. The few imps who survive have been heard to shout ‘Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow’ as they giggle off into the woods.
100 The Hissy Fits - The Hissy Fits are ground burrowing lobster creatures covered in zebra fur. They have eight eyes, much like a spider, and are surprisingly large. (On average, about the size and strength of a Bison). They are animals of admirable, but limited patience. Most often, they will avoid contact with adventurers, preferring voles and worms for their diet. Consequently they might go undetected by you and your companions in the deep woods unless you set up camp on top of them. An attack will follow within an hour or two by the fearsome creatures once they realize you will not be moving away from their burrow. Bursting from the ground in a VERY foul temper, they will begin tearing everything and everyone to pieces while hissing in frustration.